"Coffee: Because Murder Is Frowned Upon" Mug
Holy shit. Okay, so I wrote this product description, but had to run it by my nerd lawyers with their annotations included:
Some people wake up to fake ass Instagram influencers grinning over a bowl of açaí¹. Me? I need coffee before I can even tolerate the sound of a human voice without imagining their skull as my cereal bowl².
Cannibal Corpse album covers? Texas fucking chainsaw fucking massacre? CHILD'S PLAY³. Give me coffee or give me death (and not mine⁴).
Pre-Cuppa: Devourment lyrics might as well be an instruction manual⁵ (too bad you can't understand a damn word)
Post-Cuppa: "BREEEEE" happily singing along⁶
Every morning is a battle between the voices in your head and society's expectations. This mug understands. It doesn't judge. It just delivers the brutal caffeine injection needed to maintain your fragile grasp on socially acceptable behavior⁷.
Lawyer's Notes:
¹ My client has no personal relationship with any social media personalities and hereby disclaims any implied criticism thereof.
² This statement does not constitute a threat, admission of intent, or manifestation of actual homicidal ideation per §18 U.S.C. 875(c). It is merely hyperbolic rhetoric related to morning irritability, a common human condition.
³ Not references to the 1974, 1988, 2019 or 2022 film franchises. The latter term herein is employed solely to indicate relative simplicity of task performance as compared to activities routinely accomplished by juvenile humans.
⁴ This statement should not be construed as solicitation of homicidal acts. My client is merely expressing preference for caffeinated beverages over cessation of biological functions.
⁵ The lyrical content of the musical ensemble known as "Devourment" shall be considered solely within the context of protected artistic expression per the First Amendment. No reasonable person would interpret such content as actionable instruction. Adherence to such lyrics would constitute multiple felonies across all jurisdictions.
⁶ My client categorically denies any comprehension of aforementioned lyrics. Vocal expressions denoted as "BREEEEE" are non-lexical utterances devoid of semantic content and thus cannot be construed as endorsement of any activities depicted therein.
⁷ The individual who authored the preceding product description exhibits linguistic patterns consistent with diagnostic criteria outlined in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-5-TR), specifically those associated with antisocial tendencies and dark humor appreciation. This mug is not a substitute for professional mental health services.
Disclaimer: Death Metal Mugs LLC, by force of the legal dept, expressly disclaims any therapeutic or pharmacological claims regarding its products. Upon direct and unrelenting insistence from Michael T., founder, we are hereby compelled, against all professional judgment and legal training, to formally state regarding this product: "You'll look fucking badass."
• Durable Ceramic
• Highest Quality ORCA Coating®
• Lead and BPA-free material
• Dishwasher and microwave safe
• 11oz - Height: 3.70" | Diameter: 3.19"
• 15oz - Height: 4.61" | Diameter: 3.27"
Holy shit. Okay, so I wrote this product description, but had to run it by my nerd lawyers with their annotations included:
Some people wake up to fake ass Instagram influencers grinning over a bowl of açaí¹. Me? I need coffee before I can even tolerate the sound of a human voice without imagining their skull as my cereal bowl².
Cannibal Corpse album covers? Texas fucking chainsaw fucking massacre? CHILD'S PLAY³. Give me coffee or give me death (and not mine⁴).
Pre-Cuppa: Devourment lyrics might as well be an instruction manual⁵ (too bad you can't understand a damn word)
Post-Cuppa: "BREEEEE" happily singing along⁶
Every morning is a battle between the voices in your head and society's expectations. This mug understands. It doesn't judge. It just delivers the brutal caffeine injection needed to maintain your fragile grasp on socially acceptable behavior⁷.
Lawyer's Notes:
¹ My client has no personal relationship with any social media personalities and hereby disclaims any implied criticism thereof.
² This statement does not constitute a threat, admission of intent, or manifestation of actual homicidal ideation per §18 U.S.C. 875(c). It is merely hyperbolic rhetoric related to morning irritability, a common human condition.
³ Not references to the 1974, 1988, 2019 or 2022 film franchises. The latter term herein is employed solely to indicate relative simplicity of task performance as compared to activities routinely accomplished by juvenile humans.
⁴ This statement should not be construed as solicitation of homicidal acts. My client is merely expressing preference for caffeinated beverages over cessation of biological functions.
⁵ The lyrical content of the musical ensemble known as "Devourment" shall be considered solely within the context of protected artistic expression per the First Amendment. No reasonable person would interpret such content as actionable instruction. Adherence to such lyrics would constitute multiple felonies across all jurisdictions.
⁶ My client categorically denies any comprehension of aforementioned lyrics. Vocal expressions denoted as "BREEEEE" are non-lexical utterances devoid of semantic content and thus cannot be construed as endorsement of any activities depicted therein.
⁷ The individual who authored the preceding product description exhibits linguistic patterns consistent with diagnostic criteria outlined in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-5-TR), specifically those associated with antisocial tendencies and dark humor appreciation. This mug is not a substitute for professional mental health services.
Disclaimer: Death Metal Mugs LLC, by force of the legal dept, expressly disclaims any therapeutic or pharmacological claims regarding its products. Upon direct and unrelenting insistence from Michael T., founder, we are hereby compelled, against all professional judgment and legal training, to formally state regarding this product: "You'll look fucking badass."
• Durable Ceramic
• Highest Quality ORCA Coating®
• Lead and BPA-free material
• Dishwasher and microwave safe
• 11oz - Height: 3.70" | Diameter: 3.19"
• 15oz - Height: 4.61" | Diameter: 3.27"
Holy shit. Okay, so I wrote this product description, but had to run it by my nerd lawyers with their annotations included:
Some people wake up to fake ass Instagram influencers grinning over a bowl of açaí¹. Me? I need coffee before I can even tolerate the sound of a human voice without imagining their skull as my cereal bowl².
Cannibal Corpse album covers? Texas fucking chainsaw fucking massacre? CHILD'S PLAY³. Give me coffee or give me death (and not mine⁴).
Pre-Cuppa: Devourment lyrics might as well be an instruction manual⁵ (too bad you can't understand a damn word)
Post-Cuppa: "BREEEEE" happily singing along⁶
Every morning is a battle between the voices in your head and society's expectations. This mug understands. It doesn't judge. It just delivers the brutal caffeine injection needed to maintain your fragile grasp on socially acceptable behavior⁷.
Lawyer's Notes:
¹ My client has no personal relationship with any social media personalities and hereby disclaims any implied criticism thereof.
² This statement does not constitute a threat, admission of intent, or manifestation of actual homicidal ideation per §18 U.S.C. 875(c). It is merely hyperbolic rhetoric related to morning irritability, a common human condition.
³ Not references to the 1974, 1988, 2019 or 2022 film franchises. The latter term herein is employed solely to indicate relative simplicity of task performance as compared to activities routinely accomplished by juvenile humans.
⁴ This statement should not be construed as solicitation of homicidal acts. My client is merely expressing preference for caffeinated beverages over cessation of biological functions.
⁵ The lyrical content of the musical ensemble known as "Devourment" shall be considered solely within the context of protected artistic expression per the First Amendment. No reasonable person would interpret such content as actionable instruction. Adherence to such lyrics would constitute multiple felonies across all jurisdictions.
⁶ My client categorically denies any comprehension of aforementioned lyrics. Vocal expressions denoted as "BREEEEE" are non-lexical utterances devoid of semantic content and thus cannot be construed as endorsement of any activities depicted therein.
⁷ The individual who authored the preceding product description exhibits linguistic patterns consistent with diagnostic criteria outlined in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-5-TR), specifically those associated with antisocial tendencies and dark humor appreciation. This mug is not a substitute for professional mental health services.
Disclaimer: Death Metal Mugs LLC, by force of the legal dept, expressly disclaims any therapeutic or pharmacological claims regarding its products. Upon direct and unrelenting insistence from Michael T., founder, we are hereby compelled, against all professional judgment and legal training, to formally state regarding this product: "You'll look fucking badass."
• Durable Ceramic
• Highest Quality ORCA Coating®
• Lead and BPA-free material
• Dishwasher and microwave safe
• 11oz - Height: 3.70" | Diameter: 3.19"
• 15oz - Height: 4.61" | Diameter: 3.27"
